Don't Judge Me
I don't know why I put that as my title for this blog, but I did. Ok, I am just going to say it, I wish I could stay in bed all day. Not because I'm tired, but I feel like if I just stay there, nothing bad can happen to me. And if anything bad happens to anyone I care about, I won't have to deal with it. My mom is in jail. How random and lame is that? Sure, I could be sarcastic about it, and just make it a joke, but I am so over that! I've done that so many times to make the things that my mom does seem funny, but really, they're not. They're damaging to everyone around her. My dad put it well, "It's like she breaks things and expects everyone else to put the pieces back together." That's how I feel about our relationship, I try to put the pieces back, I try to be the adult, but it just doesn't work. Yesterday was the worst. My sister Jessica, my brother Chris, and I had to go get ALL of my mom's stuff out of her ex-husbands house. This included a lot of boxes, two very heavy dressers, and a big bed. Oh, and we had to get all of Jessica's stuff out of there because two days prior to all of this, she had moved in with my mom and Phil (her ex). A little side note about Phil- he is a total and complete jerk, a waste of life. I know it sounds harsh, but if you met him, you would understand. Anyway, my siblings and I went to the sheriff station to get an officer to escort us while we were getting the stuff because Lord knows we don't trust Phil for one second. After two trips, we got all of the stuff. The sheriff was amazing, he even carried some boxes in his car. But, it was hard work. My sister is pregnant and I didn't want her to lift anything heavy so Chris and I did all of the heavy lifting. At the end of the day I sat down and realized that I did all of this stuff for someone who doesn't even care about me. Even if she says she loves me and cares about me, how can I believe it?
Guys, I feel like my heart is in pieces. I don't know what I should be doing right now, I don't even know what I want to do. I feel like a loser, I feel like I'm being lazy, but deep down I know I'm not.
My mom is getting bailed out today. I don't know what's going to happen. My aunt (her sister) went to Santa Barbara to do everything that needed to be done to bail her out (thank God). I wouldn't have had the strength for that. And then she's going to come home to live with her dad. Who knows what happens after that, I suspect she'll have to go to trial in Nevada and then get put in prison there. And then all of this will happen all over again. So, that's where I'm at right now.